fly away, get out of this place

6:11 PM. Saturday, March 22, 2008

i am updating.
strangely, sad things motivate me to update more than happy stuff.
maybe that's why i rarely update my blog. because i seem always cheerful and happy.
but today's not the case.
i went to school very happily today.
but i ended up crying.
i am typing in broken paragraphs now.
because this will mitigate my emotions.
maybe, people who look optimistic and enthusiastic on the outside are more hollow on the inside. or maybe, people like me are filled with more emotions that are always hidden under the facade of a happiness.
i feel like giving up.
i know i suck at organizing events.
i know i am not worth my seniors' and the teachers' expectations.
i know i am irresponsible.
i know i am not proactive enough.
i know i cannot encourage people.
i know i am not fit to be i/c of sports day.
don't many people think this way of me too?
how many people actually know that i am the i/c?
how many people actually know that i am even in the comm?
now i am glad that not many do.
because i really suck.
i always tell people i don't cry so easily.
but today.
is an exception.
i broke down in front of crowds of people.
who were casting me weird stares.
"attention-seeker."
"cry-baby."
perhaps they think of me as such.
but i can't help it.
i know i take things for granted.
i know i assume they'll always be there for us like how they always said.
i didn't know i was supposed to ask all 81 people before allocating.
i didn't know duty allocation without seeking consent was impolite.
i seriously wasn't aware of it.
i am sorry.
i am sorry i am in the comm.
i am sorry you guys trusted me to make this a success.
but i feel even sorrier.
because my consent was also not seeken when i was made to be the i/c.
i didn't know you could allocate us events without asking us but i was supposed to.
maybe because i am younger.
maybe because you all know i won't voice out.
maybe because you all know i am not confident enough.
you tell us to speak up, and you will remain objective to whatever we say.
but i can tell.
that it is very hard to remain impartial after we express our innermost opinions.
i am scared.
i am sad.
i am confused.
i am sorry.
that's why i didn't comment on anything.
today was supposed to be a pleasant day.
sports day was supposed to be a success.
but i am sorry i screwed it all up.
it was once a happy family to me.
no matter how much my cca asked me to quit it.
no matter how much my friend tried to influence me to get out of it.
no matter what people said about it.
i will stay.
i will defend it.
but now.
i guess i am wavering.
perhaps.
i will move over to their side.
perhaps.
they were right.
under the facade of a united and bonded family.
is a hollow and empty filling.
i know you all will feel that i am weak.
i know that i am supposed to learn from my mistakes.
i know i am supposed to stand up after i fall.
i know each mistake is supposed to be a stepping stone.
but maybe.
i cannot walk.
that's why i cannot take the next step.

i didn't know that in-charge bears no authority at all.
i didn't know that in-charge means coming up with ideas that will sooner or later be banned.
i am sorry you know nothing about hierarchy of work, despite being in the council longer that i've been.
i am sorry you thought that because you are older and more senior than me, you bear more rights than i do even if i am put in-charge by you.
i am sorry that you all are abusing your seniority.
i am sorry that you all have done something hypocritical.
i am sorry that you all put me into power but is trying to remove it from me now.
i didn't know i was supposed to issue consent forms that asked "are you willing to take on (this job)?"
i didn't know i was supposed to ask every single one of you before our first meeting on whether you are capable of this job.
i didn't know there was supposed to be a pre-meeting before our first meeting.
i didnt know only seniors deserve respect of this kind whereas juniors and peers do not.
i didnt know shouyi can say nothing about his duty even if he doesnt like it just because he is my peer.
i didn't know you can disapprove of our arrangement just as you like because you are a senior.
i didn't know your authority was higher than the comm's just because you are in sec4 even though you are not our mentor.
i didn't know that giving the job to someone else just because she is more willing to take it up than you are means you are respecting her.
i didn't know you all forgot so quickly that the way you placed me in charge of sports day is the same as how we broke the news that you are the MC.
i didn't know all of you blindly back him up just because he is your peer.
i didnt know you all like to 倚老卖老.
you didn't inform me on what i could do and couldn't and i am sorry i fail to meet your criteria of a up-to-the-standard i/c.
"i cannot be the MC because i cannot lead in cheering and you all didnt tell me before hand."
then i will tell you, i cannot be the i/c too because i cannot plan events and you all didnt tell me before hand either.
"i decided to put you in-charge of sports day because i felt that you're up to it. with you energy and all, i have faith sports day is in safe hands (:"
we put you as the MC for the same reasons. but apparently, i overlooked certain things.
i didnt know the teachers will say nothing about it.
i didnt know they sense nothing wrong.
i didnt know we were the only people who needed to learn from our mistakes.
i didnt know yr 4 means they are experienced and they are always right.
i didnt know when a sec 3 and a sec 4 are arguing, the elder will always win.
"are you telling me what to do or asking me to do it?"
i didn't know as the i/c of sports day, i cannot tell you to do things for the school.
in a company, when a 20-year-old man holds the position of a manager and a 40-year-old man holds the position of a subordinate, i didnt know the former had to listen to the latter because he is older. even though the former is of higher rank.
we planned for you to do this, but i didnt know you have the right to choose what you want to do.
if everyone in an organization was like you, the whole thing would just rupture.
i didnt know a senior sc thinks so lowly of himself. we thought you were capable.
if things are going to continue to be like this, I QUIT.

but i am trying to stay.
to stay for my beliefs.
to stay because i am right.
to stay because their are my peers and juniors who care for me.
sumei, iris, gillian, tongwei, chelsia, siyin, shafaye, cassandra, creshelle, jessie.
thankyou samuel, junjie and yiren too.
:))
to stay because of their are senior(s) who truly care.
mabel. thank you so much maball. (:
some people only know how to pretend they care.
but in truth.
they don't give a damn.
maybe i am assuming.
maybe they do care.
i don't know.
i am confused.
the picture of a happy family is slowly blurring in my mind.
i am trying to fill up the blurred patches.
but the harder i try, the blurrer it gets.
i don't know why.

i know i suck.
forgive me.

if only i was as strong as my daddy.

i will learn to become like him.
to be strong.
to not tear.
to not fear them. because they are.
wrong.

i feel like quitting.
but something is still holding me back.
i am scared.
what if something else erases the last traces of memories i have.
what if...
what if i forgot about the happy times we had together.
what if...
what if i am beginning to hate it.

i hate the foyer area now.
i used to like it even though i don't always go there.
but now.
i am trying to avoid it.
especially in the morning.

i am sorry this is such a grim post.
but there's nothing happy to type about.
i seldom emo.
but when i do.
it's going to be hard to stop.
perhaps gorging myself will help.

perhaps.
quitting will eradicate all the unhappy memories.
I SHALL QUIT.

QUIT SHALL I.

SHALL I QUIT.

i don't know.
let me wait.
wait until the last thing that is holding me back from making the decision is finally destroyed.
that day will come.
soon.

but till then.
they are still illogical.
my daddy is right.